A heart of thankfulness is flowing through me for all the friends I have met over the years. Friendship is one of those blessings from God that many people take for granted, but I never have. I have many friends that are all over the world, literally. I wouldn't trade those friendships or experiences for anything and I have learned to hold them and treasure them close to my heart. 
I have a German friend whom I don't get to talk to as often as I would like, but I know she is just a thought away. I just made a breakfast yesterday that she taught me how to make when we were in Germany together. I made it just because I wanted to be close to her. I always think of her when I pop the hood of my car to check the fluids or to inspect why it might be making a funny noise. We spent many hours together when our husbands were deployed to Bosnia in the early 90's. I hadn't been in Germany very long and didn't know my way around let alone the language or culture. I remember sitting in her living room totally beside myself at how I was going to do this for a year and she put her hand on my knee and said I will teach you everything you need to know. Heike, I miss you so, but know I will love you as a sister forever. You are just a thought away and so many memories of our time together I will treasure. She is just one of my dear friends from that time in my life. I hold another dear friend close to my heart while I was in Germany only she was my American friend. Her and her husband arrived in Germany around the same time as we did and her husband was also deployed to Bosnia. We hung out alot as well. She was so dear to me that she was my lifesaver when my "Duck" was born. She was by my side and held my hand when I gave birth to Ducky. We hold alot of memories as well and I will cherish her for so many reasons.
Unfortunately, we all went our different ways. Heike stayed in Germany and my other friend and I moved back to the states. Although we don't talk as we would like to, time and distance gets in the way, but I know that if we were blessed enough to have an encounter on the street we would be able to sit on a park bench and talk for hours with a feeling that we had never been split up by an ocean, states or time. So many other people have come into my life whether it be in person or by the Internet that I have become close to and cherish the relationships we hold. As I sit here I am blessed to have so many homeschool friends via the Internet as well. I have come to know so many of you during a very dark time in my life. God works in mysterious ways and it took my husband being in Iraq for the 3rd time for me to realize friendships are what we make of them. If we are blessed enough to have them in person, that is absolutely wonderful, but if we have them via the Internet that works just as well. I met many of you because I hit my rock bottom at the end of my husbands last deployment. I spent many many hours being strong for everyone in my husbands Army unit that I exhausted myself in the process. In having to be so strong for them for so long, I wasn't able to experience my own emotional roller coaster that I too was traveling on.
I spent a very long and tiring journey of wearing a smile on my face and crying in my heart. You can't show your true emotions because the average person doesn't want to hear about it. You begin to program yourself for that person to person encounter that asks, "How are you doing?" You follow up with a smile on your face and say, "Good" then you both move on about your day. This happened to me so many times within my own church. No one wanted to really know how I was feeling that was why it was easy for them to just walk on. I would proceed to the church service followed by my children's ministry that I worked at every Sunday faithfully during this hard deployment. The only Sundays I missed were do to Yellow Ribbon Events I had to attend for the Army. They were mandatory for me because I was (and still am) the Family Readiness Group (FRG) Leader of our Reserve Unit. I had to help plan them and encourage as many family members to attend as I could (I mention this as it will come into play later). Well, my husband left in August and was boots on the ground in Iraq that October of 2009. I got through everyday by living hour by hour, as I tell people to do who are having a tough time in their life.
Some days I think I lived minute by minute just to get through. I was just so busy during those months that I became a robot. I was being a wife (trying to meet my husbands needs from afar and being cheerful when I was lucky enough for him to skype home), a mother (and replacement dad for the time), a teacher (during a difficult season of homeschooling), a daughter from afar (which I wasn't very good at because my time was stretched so thinly.) and a friend to some. I say a friend to some because I had to go through a season in my life where when we moved to where we are today I couldn't make any friends. I just couldn't understand why this was happening because making friends is not difficult for me to do usually. My husband and daughter joke about how I can get even a telephone pole to talk to me, but not during these years of being here. No new friends for the life of me, none. 
I finally made it through just about the entire deployment. We were finally down to a 30 day countdown (I say loosely as many of you know who have been through this that the Soldiers don't come home on the day you think. No, they come home after many many changes). I had planned my final Yellow Ribbon Event (which didn't go well in the planning phase) and traveled out of town. I was sick and didn't want to go, but as I said before I had to go by default. So off to Baltimore I drove. I got there and got through the weekend and headed home, but on the way home, I just hit this wall. I just couldn't do this anymore. How was I going to get through this next month? How????? I was mentally, physical, and emotionally exhausted. I couldn't pick up one more foot to move forward. I went into my dark hole and stayed there several days. I did pick up my daughter from my in laws and we did school the next day, but all I could see was darkness. I was a robot just going through the moves. All I could do at that time was just function. Yes, legs and arms moved and we did school, but how, I don't know. At this time I made some life altering changes in my life. It was time to remove stuff from my plate. What could I get rid off. Not homeschooling. Not FRG. Not being a wife and mother. I started deleting Internet accounts that required my attention. I called and emailed my children's ministry leader and quit my volunteer job with the kids and freed up time I could free up. 
This was the time that my life turned around. I remember one day sitting at my desk and asked God out loud, what now? "God, if I am not to work with these kids and be a part of a ministry in the church then what do you want me to do now?" God guided me to this song, Our God is Greater by Chris Tomlin and I clung to it with every ounce of strength I had. I would play and replay it over and over again. I played it so much my daughter knew it by heart. I would play it loudly when I would feel myself falling and would play it normally when I just needed a boost. God gave me what I needed when I needed it. I cherish this song still to this day. God will still bring it back to me when I need it. When I am at a crossroads of a decision and just don't know what to do, this song will come on the radio or my child will play it and I know it is God saying I have this, follow me.Once I calmed down and was able to think again, God spoke to me and said, "I didn't need to be in a church building to be serving Him." He told me, "That even during this dark time in your life you can encourage others." This was when The Christian Homeschool Hub Group came into my life.
Encourager, that is what I became and consider myself still today. This is why I have this blog and my face book and I am still a member of my Hub Group. I feel that God wants me to share His light to you while you are in your dark hours.
This very long story has led me to my closing thoughts. In the time of my darkness I was alone, but once God opened my doors and windows my life brightened up. Eventually my husband did come home and reunited our family together again and my best friend came into my life. I had to wait for what seemed like a very long season of no new friendships, but God rewarded that quiet time with my best friend who is also a homeschooler. She lives locally and I cherish her dearly. I have become good friends with another dear and sweet friend who lives practically next door and all of you who are my Internet friends. I met so many of you on my Hub Group which has led to wonderful friendships both there and on face book. I cherish each and everyone one of you because I know what it is like to be in the darkness without you.
This is my final thought of encouragement for you today. Many of you I know are struggling in your personal lives and you may even feel you are in the darkness where I was, but know you aren't alone. God is still there in that darkness. He hasn't abandoned you just like He didn't me. Sometimes he wants us to see that our blessings may come through our raindrops and teardrops. This leads me to another encouraging song, Blessings by Laura Story. God never leaves us. It is us who walk away from Him. Let Him open your door and windows. Let Him pour His blessings on you like He did for me. Life isn't easy as I well know, but when God is by your side it is so much easier. Let Him open your door and allow the sunshine to come in. Once He does, the windows come next. Then you will be able to see the blessings on the other side. My blessings were my many friendships I so longed for. What will be yours?
Love this post! Thanks for sharing a bit of your heart - and for all of the encouragement!
ReplyDeleteSara, you are so very welcome. I am glad you were encouraged. I am not sure why I wrote this today, but am trusting that God has a reason and that it will touch everyone who needs it.
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